The Gift in the Mud

The Gift in the Mud

It’s a wild time in our country for women and people with vulvas. There’s been a shakeup in the last few years with the #metoo movement, #timesup, electing accused (and confirmed) sexual predators to the highest offices in the land, and laws threatening our basic bodily autonomy and healthcare. Phew. It’s A LOT.

These times can leave us feeling very destabilized, disempowered, or downright scared. And as much as it feels like a non-stop shit storm or like we’re going back in time about a century, this shakeup is actually an opportunity.

The Pleasure Gap

Sex geek time with sex statistics:

Women are four times more likely than men to report that sex has been not at all pleasurable in the last year.

95% of men vs 65% of women report always or often having an orgasm in sex.

This is what’s referred to as the pleasure gap.

Let’s dig a little deeper and find out wtf is going on here, shall we?

Imaging and messaging. The narratives and images we’re given about sex come from the male perspective. It’s generally genital focused, hard, fast, and goal oriented. It’s about getting to the finish line. This is usually not conducive to female pleasure and orgasm, which takes a full-bodied and circuitous path. Do we even know what sexuality looks like from the female perspective? Try to think of images or narratives. Please comment below if you can think of any. If we don’t see true female pleasure in our images (not women taking on or taking part in the male perspective) or hear it in our narratives, how are we to know what to do or what to ask for?

Wtf do we do about it?

Partners: It’s going to take a bold leap into admitting you might not know what you’re doing, but you’re willing to try. GASP, the opposite of what you’re told to be in bed, confident AF. Vulnerability and willingness will beckon forth female pleasure more than fake confidence and pretending like you know what you’re doing. The former will lead to connection, experimentation, and a devotion to the emergent moment which holds the key to non-linear female pleasure. The latter will lead to the same old shit that keeps women reporting that they’re not orgasming or experiencing pleasure in sex. How to stay ‘masculine’ in the process of being vulnerable? Stay present. Stay steady. Be the grounded presence she needs to feel safe. Learn to derive some of your pleasure through her erotic experience.

Women: It’s going to take a bold leap into prioritizing your desires and pleasure during sex. You can ask for your partner to slow down, pause, breath with you, or touch you a certain way. You can let your emotions that are rising to the surface come all the way out, for on the other side of that is the openness that you’re seeking. Let yourself follow sensation, the artistic flow of the intimacy, and forget any notion of what you think sexy is supposed to look like or sound like. To quote Mary Oliver, “Let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.”

It’s time for a new statistic. You with me?