14 Apr Bringing Sexy Back after Baby
Sex after baby is a hot topic that comes up with almost every new mom I work with. And I can see why. Isn’t it ironic that the very thing (sex) that made you a mother, is the very quality unassociated with motherhood in mainstream culture? So first just know that mainstream culture and advertising are working against you here. But isn’t it always? Sex is the transformative act from which you became a mother and regardless of what a diaper commercial says, you are just as sexy and sexual as you want to be after birth.
Every woman’s journey into motherhood is different. No matter what happened in the birthing process, you are not broken. There is nothing wrong with you. No matter how you are feeling, it doesn’t make you wrong. Motherhood is hard, and culturally there is not enough support for new mothers. There is no longer support from the tribe and other women as there used to be (way way way back when). Without proper support during this crucial time, women can become stressed. To most women, stress is the biggest deterrent to sex. When we are stressed our bodies are focused on survival, not pleasure. It’s hard wired into our nervous system and was very handy to keep us alive in more ancient times. Now it often relegates sex to the last thing on our minds. This brings me to my first tip, redefining sex.
What is sex to you? If you answered PIV (penis in vagina) or another penetrative act, this would be a great time to widen your view of what you define as sex. Sex should not be one more thing you have to ‘do’. What if sex could be a time for nourishing, connecting, and de-stressing? One of my teachers, Kimberly Johnson, calls this, “the feminization of sex”. Maybe it is just having ten minutes to be held by your partner, or a head rub, or a slow dance, or receiving loving words. Maybe it’s an honest conversation with your partner about how you are both feeling. Start with where you are at and honestly ask yourself, what would I like to receive? What would bring me pleasure?
If/when you desire genital focused sex, go slowly and stay tuned into your sensations. If there is pain, back off. It is high time that we as women stop tolerating sex. If it’s not pleasurable for goddess sake stop! Women are drier postpartum (mother nature is smart like that) so be sure to use plenty of chemical free lubricant. If there is scar tissue from tearing during birth, I recommend doing scar tissue remediation with a trained professional who will also be able to teach you self massage techniques for increased empowerment and healing.
Women’s arousal is more context dependent than men’s. This includes both the context of our inner and outer landscape. For the inner landscape, make time to be alone to do what is nourishing for you. What makes you feel good. And if that means crying about how terrible you feel, do it! Letting emotions move through is essential for our wellbeing.
For the outer context, make your bedroom, or a special love nest, a baby free zone. That means no baby stuff or other distracting things (socks on the floor). This will help you and your partner to remember that you are sexual beings and not just parents.
Motherhood is a full time job and sex can fall way down to the bottom of the list of priorities when you are a full time caregiver. You may not have the luxury of time for sex to spontaneously occur (if you ever did), so it’s time to put it on the calendar. Yep, schedule time for intimacy. This way you know the baby is taken care of and you and/or your partner can set the space for intimacy and connection to occur.
The Clit Notes version:
Redefine and feminize sex
Go slow, use lube, and get professional help for scars.
Do what makes you feel good on your own, and process your feelings.
Make your sexy space a baby and distraction free zone.
In service to pleasure,